my vag is so smooth its legendary
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
