You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
