I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
