No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
