U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
