I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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