No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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