Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
there is glitter all over my balls
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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