I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
