The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
