I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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