I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
