My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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