just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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