I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
