i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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