fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
