so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
