All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
