Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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