Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
