I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
