I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
