I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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