This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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