So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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