can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
