I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My liver just broke up with me...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
