Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
