Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
