I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
