Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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