The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
