I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
