I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
