Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
