Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just pee around me
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
