I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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