i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
