The maid of honor just puked.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
When did we convert life to cartoon?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why are your pants in the freezer?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
