You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
