he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
