To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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