Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
