It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
