i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
