I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
