How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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