I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
