I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
