____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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