it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
