he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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