Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
