You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
