I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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