What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
