Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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