Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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