Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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