I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
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He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
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Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
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You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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