i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
