my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
