im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Im part way to drunk.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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